Are You a Puppet on a String?

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you feel like you're being manipulated emotionally but can't quite put your finger on it?

Emotional manipulation is a subtle yet powerful tool individuals use to control, influence, or exploit others.

Psychiatrist Dr. Harold Hong describes it like this:

"Emotional manipulation is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to control another person's emotions. It is often done through persuasion, coercion, or emotional blackmail."

As malicious as this sounds, emotional manipulation isn't always the product of conscious thought. Emotional manipulators also come in different shapes and sizes.

It may be somebody who's insecure and tries to boost themselves up by putting others down or making them feel guilty.

It may also be someone who is super controlling and uses manipulation to keep people in line or get what they want without considering how it affects them.

Sometimes, a manipulator is just really good at reading people and knows how to push their buttons to get what they want.

They could even be your friend, family member, partner, or coworker.

Let's take a closer look at some common emotional manipulation tactics:

1. Gaslighting: The Art of Distorting Reality

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic aimed at making someone doubt their perception, memory, or sanity. The gaslighter subtly twists facts, denies reality, or outright lies to create confusion and undermine the victim's confidence in their thoughts and feelings.

Imagine this: Joan confronts her partner, Mark, about his excessive drinking. Instead of addressing the issue, Mark responds, "You're overreacting. I barely drink at all. You must be imagining things."

Over time, Joan begins questioning her observations, thinking she may be too harsh or unreasonable.

2. Playing the Victim: Leveraging Sympathy for Control

Playing the victim is a tactic where the manipulator portrays themselves as helpless, innocent, or unfairly treated to garner sympathy and manipulate others into doing what they want.

They gain leverage over their target's emotions and decisions by eliciting pity or guilt.

For instance, Tom constantly complains to his coworkers about his workload, emphasising how overwhelmed and stressed he feels. He conveniently leaves out the fact that he procrastinates and avoids responsibility.

His coworkers feel sorry for him and end up picking up his slack, perpetuating the cycle.

3. Silent Treatment: Weaponising Silence for Control

The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive tactic where the manipulator ignores or withholds communication from their target as a form of punishment or control.

By depriving the victim of attention or validation, the manipulator seeks to induce guilt, anxiety, or compliance.

Consider Emily, who confronts her friend, Lily, about a hurtful comment she made. Instead of apologising or discussing the issue, Lily gives Emily the silent treatment for days, leaving her feeling anxious and uncertain.

Eventually, Emily gives in, apologising to break the silence and restore peace.

4. Love Bombing: Showering Affection to Gain Compliance

Love bombing is a manipulation tactic where the perpetrator overwhelms the target with excessive attention, affection, or compliments to foster dependency and control.

The manipulator seeks to manipulate their emotions and actions by bombarding the victim with positive reinforcement.

Picture Alex, who showers his new partner, Sam, with lavish gifts, constant compliments, and declarations of undying love.

Initially flattered and enamoured, Sam starts to rely on Alex for validation and approval, making it easier for Alex to influence Sam's decisions and behaviour.

5. Guilting: Using Emotional Obligation for Compliance

Guilt-tripping is a manipulation tactic where the perpetrator instils feelings of guilt or obligation in their target to make them comply with their demands or desires.

By playing on the victim's sense of duty or empathy, the manipulator coerces them into doing what they want.

Take Lisa, who guilt-trips her sister, Elizabeth, into lending her money by saying, "I can't believe you won't help me when I've always been there for you."

Despite financial strain, Elizabeth feels compelled to lend Lisa the money, fearing she'll be seen as selfish or uncaring if she refuses.

6. Projection: Blaming Others for One's Faults

Projection is a defence mechanism where the manipulator attributes their negative traits, thoughts, or feelings to someone else to avoid taking responsibility or facing their shortcomings.

They deflect accountability and manipulate perceptions by projecting their insecurities or flaws onto others.

Imagine Mike, who habitually accuses his partner, Rachel, of being controlling and jealous.

In reality, Mike is the one who exhibits controlling behaviour and feels insecure about Rachel's independence. By projecting his traits onto Rachel, Mike avoids addressing his issues.

7. Conspiring: Covert Collaboration to Achieve Control

Conspiring is a manipulative tactic wherein the perpetrator collaborates with others, overtly or covertly, to orchestrate situations or events that serve their agenda.

By enlisting allies or orchestrating alliances behind the scenes, the manipulator amplifies their influence and undermines the autonomy of their target.

Imagine a scenario where Angela's colleagues conspire to undermine her credibility at work.

Through subtle gossip, strategic misinformation, and orchestrated incidents, they create a hostile environment where Angela's contributions are undervalued and her reputation tarnished.

Unaware of the orchestrated campaign against her, Angela finds herself isolated and powerless, struggling to defend herself against the covert manipulation of her peers.

8. Lying/Denial: Distorting Truth to Maintain Control

Lying and denial are manipulative tactics wherein the perpetrator deliberately distorts or conceals the truth to deceive their target and maintain control over the narrative.

Whether through outright falsehoods, selective omissions, or denial of facts, the manipulator seeks to manipulate perceptions and protect their interests at the expense of others' trust and well-being.

Consider a situation where Mark repeatedly lies to his partner, Emma, about his whereabouts and activities.

Despite evidence to the contrary, Mark denies any wrongdoing, gaslighting Emma into doubting her intuition and perceptions.

Mark maintains control over the relationship by perpetuating the deception and exploiting Emma's trust and vulnerability.

9. Changing the Goalposts: Shifting Standards for Control

Changing the goalposts is a manipulative tactic where the perpetrator constantly moves the criteria or expectations required for approval or validation, making it nearly impossible for the victim to meet their demands.

The manipulator maintains control by continuously shifting the benchmarks and keeps the victim in perpetual uncertainty and self-doubt.

For instance, imagine Lisa's boss assigns her a project with clear objectives and deadlines.

However, as Lisa neared completion, her boss kept raising the bar, adding new requirements and changing priorities.

Despite Lisa's hard work and dedication, she constantly pursues unattainable goals, feeling inadequate and frustrated.

10. Passive Aggression: Aggressively Concealed Hostility

Passive aggression is a subtle yet potent form of manipulation where the perpetrator expresses hostility or resentment indirectly, often through subtle jabs, sarcasm, or backhanded compliments.

By disguising their aggression behind a facade of politeness or innocence, the manipulator avoids confrontation while still inflicting emotional harm on their target.

Consider Jason, who feels threatened by his colleague's success.

Instead of addressing his insecurities directly, Jason makes snide remarks about his colleague's achievements during team meetings, couched in humour or feigned concern.

Sensing the underlying hostility, his colleague feels undermined and demoralised yet struggles to confront Jason's passive-aggressive behaviour.

11. False Concern: Manipulating Through Feigned Care

False concern is a manipulation tactic where the perpetrator pretends to care about the well-being of their target, often using faux empathy or sympathy to gain trust and influence.

By feigning concern, the manipulator gains access to sensitive information or leverages emotional vulnerability to further their agenda.

Imagine Emily's friend, Kate, repeatedly expresses concern about her relationship with her partner, suggesting they don't seem happy together.

Under the guise of friendship and concern, Kate subtly undermines Emily's confidence in her relationship, planting seeds of doubt and sowing discord.

Unaware of Kate's ulterior motives, Emily begins questioning the strength of her relationship, playing right into Kate's manipulative hands.

12. Targeting Insecurities: Exploiting Vulnerabilities for Control

Targeting insecurities is a manipulative tactic wherein the perpetrator identifies and exploits the vulnerabilities and self-doubts of their target to exert influence or control.

By preying on areas of weakness, the manipulator undermines the victim's self-esteem and fosters dependency, making them more susceptible to manipulation.

Imagine Susan, who struggles with body image issues, confides in her friend, Mary, about her insecurities.

Instead of offering support, Mary subtly criticises Susan's appearance under the guise of concern, suggesting extreme dieting or cosmetic procedures.

Unaware of Mary's ulterior motives, Susan internalises the criticism, feeling increasingly insecure and reliant on Mary's validation.

13. Evoking Fear: Weaponising Threats and Intimidation

Evoking fear is a manipulation tactic where the perpetrator instils feelings of anxiety, dread, or threat to control the behaviour or decisions of their target.

By exploiting real or imagined fear, the manipulator coerces compliance and discourages resistance, often through implicit or explicit threats of harm or punishment.

Consider Jack, a manager who uses fear tactics to manipulate his employees into working overtime.

He frequently reminds them of the company's precarious financial situation, hinting at layoffs or pay cuts if they don't meet unrealistic targets.

Fearing for their jobs and livelihoods, the employees reluctantly comply with Jack's demands, sacrificing their well-being for fear of reprisal.

The above are just some of the more common tactics emotional manipulators use, and it is essential to note that emotional manipulation often operates beneath the surface.

It thrives on deception and deceit, weaving a tangled web of lies and conspiracies to exert control over others.

By shedding light on the common tactics, individuals can better recognize manipulative behaviour and reclaim agency over their lives.

Remember, true liberation lies in embracing the truth and refusing to be trapped by the manipulative machinations of others.

Until next time, may you avoid being a puppet on a string.

Dion Le Roux