The Enemy Inside You

In her work on vulnerability, courage, shame, and empathy, Brené Brown explores the concept of “near enemies”.

It’s a term borrowed from Buddhist philosophy, to describe attitudes or emotions that closely resemble positive qualities but can undermine or corrupt them.

Brown emphasises that distinguishing between these “near enemies” and the authentic emotions or virtues they mimic is crucial to developing healthy relationships with ourselves and others.

The idea of “near enemies” invites a deeper reflection on the difference between what is authentic and what appears to be so.

Brown’s exploration of vulnerability, empathy, and connection, in particular, focuses on how close enemies can deceive us into thinking we are building real connections when, in fact, we may be maintaining emotional distance or avoiding vulnerability.

To better understand “near enemies” , it’s important to examine their characteristics and examples in daily life and how they impact our personal growth and interactions.

Defining Near Enemies

The concept of “near enemies” originates from Buddhist psychology, particularly in discussions of compassion and the potential pitfalls associated with emotions that seem similar but are harmful.

The classic example in Buddhist teachings is the difference between compassion and pity: while both may appear empathetic, pity connotes a subtle sense of superiority and distance.

Brené Brown extends this concept to other emotional experiences, suggesting that “near enemies” are emotional states that are deceptive in their similarity to virtues like love, connection, or empathy but undermine them when left unchecked.

Brown’s interpretation of “near enemies” brings attention to the role of vulnerability in human relationships.

For instance, the near enemy of vulnerability may be what Brown calls “faux vulnerability” — a state in which we share personal details without truly opening ourselves up to the risks and uncertainties that real vulnerability entails.

It’s a performance of vulnerability without the heart, motivated more by a desire for control or manipulation than by an authentic need to connect.

This can easily be mistaken for the real thing, and therein lies its danger.

Examples of Near Enemies in Everyday Life

1. Vulnerability vs. Faux Vulnerability

Brown defines vulnerability as embracing uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It involves opening oneself up to the possibility of rejection or hurt to build genuine connections with others.

However, a near enemy to vulnerability is “faux vulnerability,” when people appear to be vulnerable by sharing personal stories or feelings, but they do so in a way that keeps them emotionally safe.

For example, someone might share a painful experience but leave out the parts of the story that make them feel genuinely exposed. They may provide just enough personal detail to appear open but still hold back key emotional truths that would make them vulnerable.

This can create a superficial connection but fails to build the deep, meaningful bonds that genuine vulnerability fosters.

In workplaces, for instance, leaders may try to seem approachable by talking about past failures but frame those stories to emphasise their eventual success, thus keeping themselves from appearing too flawed or uncertain.

2. Empathy vs. Sympathy

Brown describes empathy as the ability to feel with people, sit with them in their pain, and connect on a deep emotional level.

On the other hand, sympathy is a near enemy of empathy because it involves feeling for people from a distance, often from a place of pity.

When we express sympathy, we may express care, but we are not truly connecting with the other person’s experience. Sympathy can create a barrier rather than a bridge.

For example, when a friend shares that they are going through a tough time, the empathetic response would involve listening, validating their feelings, and perhaps even sharing a time when we experienced something similar.

In contrast, a sympathetic response might be something like, “That sounds awful; I’m so sorry you’re going through that,” which, while kind, maintains a sense of separation from the other person’s emotions.

Sympathy can make the other person feel like their emotions are being observed rather than shared, heightening their sense of isolation.

3. Compassion vs. Pity

In Brown’s discussion of compassion, she highlights the distinction between compassion, which is based on understanding and shared humanity, and pity, which often involves a subtle judgment or condescension.

As a near enemy, pity disguises itself as kindness or concern, but it carries an emotional distance that can make the recipient feel inferior or misunderstood.

For example, when someone is experiencing a financial struggle, a compassionate response might involve understanding the emotional and logistical toll of that struggle while offering support in a nonjudgmental way.

However, a response rooted in pity might sound like, “Oh, I feel so bad for you. I can’t imagine how hard that must be,” subtly implying that the person suffering is in a situation that is foreign or incomprehensible to the speaker.

This can create a power imbalance, as the person implicitly positions themselves as better off or emotionally removed from the situation.

4. Connection vs. Control

Genuine connection requires vulnerability and trust and cannot be forced or manipulated.

A near enemy of connection is control, which can sometimes masquerade as care or concern. People may try to control others in the guise of wanting to protect them or help them avoid pain.

Still, this control undermines the authenticity of the relationship and strips away the mutual vulnerability that a genuine connection requires.

For example, a parent may attempt to control their child’s decisions to protect them from making mistakes.

They might say, “I just want what’s best for you,” when in reality, they are afraid of the uncertainty that comes with allowing the child to make their own choices.

While the parent’s intention may seem loving, this control can erode the trust and open communication necessary for a genuine connection.

5. Love vs. Attachment

According to Brown, love is about accepting people as they are and allowing relationships to grow organically without trying to possess or control the other person.

The near enemy of love is attachment, which often involves a desire to hold onto someone to fulfil one’s emotional needs or avoid loneliness.

Attachment can be mistaken for love because it involves a strong emotional bond. Still, it is rooted in a desire for security rather than in an appreciation for the other person as they are.

In romantic relationships, attachment might manifest as jealousy or possessiveness, where one partner feels threatened by the possibility of losing the other.

They may try to limit their partner’s independence or social interactions, believing that this control will strengthen their bond.

However, this attachment is ultimately suffocating and undermines the trust and freedom that true love entails.

6. Hope vs. Blind Optimism

According to Brown, hope is a deeply grounded emotion based on the belief that one can endure and work through difficult situations. It involves resilience and a realistic appraisal of challenges.

In contrast, the near enemy of hope is blind optimism, which tends to disregard difficulties in favour of a more idealistic outlook that does not engage with reality.

Although blind optimism may seem positive, it often prevents people from preparing for and addressing obstacles in a meaningful way.

For instance, someone facing a health challenge might respond with hope by acknowledging their difficulties while still believing in their ability to persevere.

On the other hand, blind optimism might manifest as an insistence that everything will be fine without taking the necessary steps to address their condition.

While seemingly encouraging, blind optimism can prevent individuals from confronting difficult truths and developing the resilience necessary to navigate life’s challenges effectively.

7. Self-Sufficiency vs. Hyper-Independence

As Brown describes, self-sufficiency is the ability to take responsibility for one’s own life and make decisions aligned with personal values.

However, the near enemy of self-sufficiency is hyper-independence, which involves an excessive refusal to ask for help or rely on others, even when it would be beneficial to do so.

Hyper-independence may seem like a strength, but it often stems from a fear of vulnerability or a desire to maintain control over situations and relationships.

For example, a person who prides themselves on being self-sufficient might manage their finances, make important life decisions, and handle personal challenges without needing constant validation from others.

In contrast, someone who is hyper-independent may avoid forming deep relationships out of fear of dependence, refuse assistance even when overwhelmed, and isolate themselves emotionally to avoid vulnerability.

While hyper-independence can appear to be self-sufficiency, it often leads to emotional isolation and missed opportunities for meaningful connection and support.

The Impact of Near Enemies

Near enemies can have a profound impact on both individuals and relationships.

Near enemies prevent genuine emotional intimacy and personal growth by subtly distorting virtues like vulnerability, empathy, and compassion.

When we fail to recognise near enemies, we may think we are fostering connection and understanding when, in fact, we are perpetuating distance and disconnection.

In relationships, near enemies often result in miscommunication and unmet expectations.

For example, suppose someone consistently engages in faux vulnerability.

In that case, their partner or friends may feel frustrated or confused about why the relationship lacks depth, even though they are sharing personal stories and emotions.

The same applies to sympathy and pity: a person who receives sympathy may feel as though they are being kept at arm’s length, which can worsen their emotional distress.

On a societal level, near enemies can also shape our broader cultural interactions.

In workplaces, sympathy and control can hinder the development of inclusive environments.

Leaders may think they are being empathetic by expressing concern for employees’ struggles.

Still, if this concern is rooted in pity or a desire to maintain control, it can alienate employees and undermine efforts to create a culture of trust and collaboration.

Conclusion

The concept of “near enemies” , as articulated by Brené Brown, highlights the importance of discerning between authentic emotional experiences and those that merely resemble them.

Understanding the subtle differences between vulnerability and faux vulnerability, empathy and sympathy, compassion and pity, connection and control, and love and attachment can help us cultivate more meaningful relationships and develop deeper emotional intelligence.

The impact of “near enemies” is significant, not only in personal relationships but also in how we engage with the world.

Recognising and addressing near enemies can help us build stronger connections, foster genuine empathy, and create environments where trust and vulnerability flourish.

Until next time, beware of the enemy inside you.

Dion Le Roux

References

1. Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.

2. Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.

3. Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House.

4. Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. Random House.