You Don’t Like Me and I Don’t Care

In a world where social media “likes” and approval seem to measure our worth, it’s no wonder many of us feel anxious about how others perceive us.

But what if we adopted a radically different perspective? What if we stopped caring about whether people liked us or not?

This is what the book “The Courage to be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga suggests. Here, the authors draw on the philosophy of Alfred Adler, who believed that much of our unhappiness comes from trying to meet the expectations of others.

According to Adler, our true freedom lies in relinquishing the need for approval and having the courage to live authentically, even if it means not being liked.

The Weight of Approval

One of the most significant hurdles we face in life is our obsession with what others think of us. From childhood, we’re conditioned to seek validation from parents, teachers, peers, and eventually, bosses and coworkers.

We’re taught that success means gaining approval.

However, external validation can become a heavy burden that often directs our choices, distorts our self-image, and limits our potential.

In “The Courage to Be Disliked”, the authors argue that the need for approval is an illusion and a hindrance to personal happiness.

Adlerian philosophy's core is the idea that life is inherently social, and our main task is navigating interpersonal relationships.

But instead of being driven by the need to be liked, we should focus on living according to our values and aspirations. The freedom to live authentically, despite the opinions of others, is key to personal fulfilment.

The Liberation of Not Caring

The notion of not caring whether others like us can sound unsettling.

After all, aren’t we social creatures? Don’t we need to form relationships, collaborate with others, and build networks to succeed in life?

Yes, we do.

But there’s a big difference between wanting to form meaningful connections and desperately needing approval to feel good about ourselves.

When we detach ourselves from the need to be liked, we open up the possibility of genuine connection based on respect and mutual understanding rather than manipulation or pleasing others.

Take Steve Jobs as an example.

He was famously difficult to work with, often abrasive, and not widely liked in his industry. Yet, he revolutionised the tech world with Apple, showing that being liked is not a prerequisite for achieving groundbreaking success.

Jobs stayed true to his vision, even when others doubted him, and didn’t compromise to win approval. His focus on his mission over others’ opinions made him successful.

Similarly, consider Serena Williams.

Throughout her career, she has faced harsh criticism, not only for her dominant style of play but also for her demeanour on and off the court. Yet, Williams has repeatedly stated that her focus is on her game, goals, and family rather than what the media or her detractors think of her.

By refusing to allow negative opinions to define her self-worth, she’s become one of the greatest athletes in history.

These individuals exemplify what it means to have the courage to be disliked. By not basing their actions on the approval of others, they have tapped into a more authentic and empowered version of themselves, leading to greater success and fulfilment.

Practical Strategies for Navigating a World Where You Aren’t Always Liked

So, how can we adopt this mindset in our everyday lives? How can we stop caring about being liked without becoming rude or self-centred?

Here are some practical strategies for navigating a world where you won’t always be liked, and that’s okay.

1. Embrace Your Values

The first step in being okay with not being liked is clarifying what you value. The Courage to Be Disliked emphasises that living authentically means acting in accordance with your values, not someone else’s.

When you know what truly matters to you—whether it’s integrity, creativity, or kindness—you can focus on living those values rather than bending to meet the expectations of others.

Start by reflecting on what’s important to you. When faced with criticism or disapproval, ask yourself: “Does this feedback reflect my values?”

If the answer is no, let it go.

2. Understand the Limits of Control

One key teaching in “The Courage to Be Disliked” is that we can’t control how others feel or think. We can influence people through our actions, but ultimately, their reactions are their own.

As Adlerian philosophy states, we should focus on what we can control—our behaviour, mindset, and responses—while accepting that we can’t dictate how others will perceive or treat us.

This doesn’t mean becoming indifferent to others. Instead, it means releasing the impossible task of controlling other people’s opinions and focusing on living your truth.

As author Brené Brown mentions in her work on vulnerability, trying to please everyone is a losing battle. It’s far better to embrace who we truly are, knowing that not everyone will approve.

3. Learn from Criticism (But Don’t Dwell on It)

Criticism is inevitable when you’re not trying to be liked. However, not all criticism is bad.

Sometimes, feedback from others can help us grow, but it’s important to distinguish between constructive criticism and noise.

Take Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon, for instance.

In his career, he’s faced considerable criticism regarding how Amazon handles its employees and market practices. But instead of letting the criticism derail him, Bezos has been known to listen to what’s useful, discard the rest, and move forward with his vision.

He has openly acknowledged that innovation will inevitably invite criticism, but that doesn’t mean it should stop progress.

When you receive feedback, consider whether it’s helpful or reflects someone else’s preferences. If it aligns with your values and goals, use it. If it doesn’t, let it go.

4. Cultivate Inner Confidence

Not caring about being liked doesn’t mean you become immune to negative feelings. Rejection and disapproval can still sting, but they won’t debilitate you if you cultivate inner confidence.

This confidence comes from knowing your worth is not dependent on external validation.

One powerful way to build inner confidence is through mindfulness. In her book Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach talks about how mindfulness helps us stop seeking validation from others by teaching us to be present and accept ourselves.

When you practice self-acceptance, you no longer need others to confirm your worth because you’ve already done that for yourself.

5. Seek Out Like-Minded People

Even though not everyone will like you, you don’t have to go through life alone. One of the best ways to thrive is to surround yourself with people who respect and support you for who you are.

This doesn’t mean forming an echo chamber but instead seeking relationships where you can be yourself without the pressure of constant approval-seeking.

Look at someone like Oprah Winfrey.

Although she has faced significant criticism throughout her career, she has built a strong network of collaborators, friends, and supporters who understand and appreciate her authenticity.

These relationships have helped her succeed and maintain her integrity in the face of criticism.

Success Doesn’t Require Universal Approval

In today’s highly connected world, it’s easy to believe that success is a popularity contest.

However, many of the most successful people in history achieved great things not because everyone liked them but because they had the courage to stay true to themselves, even when it wasn’t popular.

Consider Mahatma Gandhi, who led India to independence through non-violent resistance. He wasn’t universally liked, even in his own country. Many disagreed with his methods, and he faced harsh criticism from different political factions. Yet, his commitment to his beliefs, not his popularity, made him successful.

Or take J.K. Rowling, who wrote Harry Potter while struggling with poverty and rejection. Many publishers didn’t like her book, and even after its success, she’s faced plenty of criticism from various groups. Yet, she continues to write and speak her truth, undeterred by whether people approve of her.

Conclusion

The courage to be disliked isn’t about being rude or disregarding others’ feelings.

It’s about reclaiming your power and living a life that aligns with your values and goals rather than being held hostage by the fear of disapproval.

As “The Courage to Be Disliked” teaches us, the pursuit of approval is a cage we put ourselves in, but the key to freedom is in our hands.

By embracing your values, understanding the limits of control, learning from criticism, cultivating inner confidence, and seeking out like-minded people, you can navigate a world where not everyone likes you—and be happier for it.

Until next time, remember that other people’s opinions don’t define your worth and that true success comes from authenticity and not from being liked.

Dion Le Roux

References

1. Brach, Tara. Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha. Bantam, 2003.

2. Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Avery, 2012.

3. Kishimi, Ichiro, and Fumitake Koga. The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness. Atria Books, 2018.