Nobody Is Thinking About You

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like everyone was staring at you, silently judging your outfit, hair, or that tiny stain on your shirt?

Or maybe you’ve spent hours agonising over something embarrassing you said in a conversation, convinced that everyone is replaying it in their minds, shaking their heads at your awkwardness.

Here’s the truth: nobody is thinking of you, at least not in the way you imagine.

People are too busy thinking about themselves, their worries, mistakes, hopes, and dreams.

This realisation might feel humbling at first, but if you let it sink in, it can be one of the most freeing ideas you ever embrace.

In Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert explicitly addresses this idea when she writes:

“Recognising that people’s attention is divided and scattered and that most of the time nobody is thinking about you allows you to free yourself from the self-centred delusion that you are constantly being judged. The truth is, people are mostly just thinking about themselves.” (Gilbert, 2015).

Her words remind us that we can let go of the fear of judgment and live our lives.

The Spotlight Effect: You’re Not the Center of the Universe

One of the most substantial psychological biases that prove this point is the spotlight effect, namely the tendency to believe that others are paying far more attention to us than they are.

Researchers Thomas Gilovich, Victoria Medvec, and Kenneth Savitsky conducted an experiment in which they asked participants to wear an embarrassing Barry Manilow T-shirt and then estimate how many people in the room noticed.

Participants assumed that nearly half the people around them had taken note, but only about 20% had registered the shirt (Gilovich et al., 2000).

What does this tell us?

Simply stated, most people are too caught up in their thoughts to notice what you stress about.

That awkward comment you made at dinner? Barely anyone remembers it. The lousy haircut you’re convinced ruined your month? Hardly on anyone’s radar. Even your most significant accomplishments, those moments you think define you, are rarely given more than a passing thought by others.

And here’s the kicker: it’s not because people are mean or uncaring. It’s because they are just as worried about their own lives as you are about yours.

The Forgotten Effect: Why Even Your Failures Don’t Stick

If the spotlight effect makes us believe people are constantly watching, the forgotten effect reinforces how quickly we fade from their minds.

This cognitive bias shows that people not only overestimate how much attention they receive but also how long they remain in someone else’s memory.

Think about it: Can you recall your coworkers' last five mistakes?

How about the last three embarrassing things your best friend did? You probably struggle to remember because we don’t store other people’s flaws as carefully as we store our own.

A practical example: Imagine you trip in public. You feel your face go red, you’re mortified, and you assume everyone will be whispering about it for days.

But in reality?

Within minutes, people have moved on. Their minds are preoccupied with their own problems, like what to cook for dinner, an upcoming work deadline, or a fight they had with a friend.

Even on a larger scale, public figures who experience massive failures often fade from collective memory faster than expected.

Scandals that seem career-ending at the moment are often replaced in the news cycle within weeks. If entire nations can forget major blunders, then surely the people in your life aren’t holding onto that awkward thing you said two years ago.

Why Being Egotistical About Achievements is a Waste of Time

Now, let’s flip the conversation on its head, namely success.

Just as people don’t dwell on your mistakes, they don’t spend much time thinking about your achievements either.

Elizabeth Gilbert, in her book Big Magic, touches on this idea when she says:

“Let other people have their opinions. More than that, let them be in love with their opinions, just as you and I are in love with ours. Because if people don’t have their opinions, we’d all be blank paper sheets standing in a room together, not saying a word. And what fun would that be?” (Gilbert, 2015).

Gilbert emphasises that you cannot control how people perceive you, and you should not waste your energy trying to.

Whether they praise or dismiss you, it has little impact on your life. If your self-worth hinges on the fleeting approval of others, you will always be chasing a mirage.

Consider athletes who win Olympic gold.

For a brief moment, they are celebrated. Their faces are on cereal boxes; their names are trending, and their interviews are everywhere. But fast forward a few months, and the world has moved on.

We remember the legendary names like Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps, but even their moments of glory fade over time.

If the world doesn’t permanently fixate on even the most extraordinary accomplishments, what does that say about the minor wins we obsess over in our personal lives?

The Freedom in Letting Go

Understanding that people aren’t constantly thinking about you is humbling and liberating.

It means you can take risks without fear of judgment. It means you can fail without worrying about long-term consequences. It means you can stop overvaluing praise and overreacting to criticism.

Let’s say you’ve been dreaming of starting a business, but you’re afraid of what people will think if you fail. Now, armed with this new perspective, you realise:

1. If you fail, most people won’t remember.

2. If you succeed, most people won’t dwell on it.

Either way, their opinions have no bearing on your actual experience.

So why not go for it? Why not take that risk, wear that outfit, say that joke, and pursue that creative dream? Because you’re the only one keeping track at the end of the day.

Conclusion

Embrace the truth and live freely.

The idea that nobody is thinking of you can feel like a slap to the ego, but it’s one of the most freeing realisations you can have.

It means you don’t have to let fear of judgment hold you back. It means you don’t need to chase validation to feel worthy. It means you can take risks, make mistakes, and live your life for yourself, not for the imagined opinions of others.

So, until next time, go ahead. Speak your mind. Try something new. Fail spectacularly.

The world will keep spinning, and everyone else? They’re too busy thinking about themselves to notice.

Dion Le Roux

References

1. Gilbert, E. (2015). Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. Riverhead Books.

2. Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H., & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment: An egocentric bias in estimates of the salience of one’s own actions and appearance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211-222.